When New Year’s Day comes around, two primary thoughts come to everyone’s mind:
1. Can Dick Clark still be considered a human, or has he officially crossed into “doll” territory?
2. This year, I’m going to get in shape!
In response to the latter thought (because I think the former is obvious), people often resolve to join a gym.
But how do you know if the gym is right for you? Simply take the following scientifically proven fitness exam:
Fitness Exam:
Step 1: Stand up.
Step 2: Look down.
Can you see your genitals? Yes ______ No _______
If you answered “no” (or emitted a guttural grunt while completing step 1), congratulations! It’s time to join a gym! Read on!
If you answered “yes”, please put on some clothes. Seriously, it’s getting weird.
Rather than delving into all of the complex aspects of the “modern gym” (because that would require a novel), I will focus on the one aspect of working out that is at the forefront of everyone’s mind: what to wear.
1. Can Dick Clark still be considered a human, or has he officially crossed into “doll” territory?
2. This year, I’m going to get in shape!
In response to the latter thought (because I think the former is obvious), people often resolve to join a gym.
But how do you know if the gym is right for you? Simply take the following scientifically proven fitness exam:
Fitness Exam:
Step 1: Stand up.
Step 2: Look down.
Can you see your genitals? Yes ______ No _______
If you answered “no” (or emitted a guttural grunt while completing step 1), congratulations! It’s time to join a gym! Read on!
If you answered “yes”, please put on some clothes. Seriously, it’s getting weird.
Rather than delving into all of the complex aspects of the “modern gym” (because that would require a novel), I will focus on the one aspect of working out that is at the forefront of everyone’s mind: what to wear.
Suiting Up
It is essential that you are properly dressed when visiting today’s gym environment. This concept is not a simple as it might initially seem, but adhere to the following procedure and you should be fine.
To begin, gather all of the comfortable, loose-fitting clothes that you own (sweat shirts, wind breakers, well-worn t-shirts you received in middle school and are inexplicably attached to, etc.). Next, take all of these clothes in your arms (being sure not to leave any behind) and place them into the nearest trash receptacle/burning fireplace/portal to another dimension (you know, that place where all your socks go). This procedure will ensure that you never make the error of wearing such horribly inappropriate clothing to the gym. I have seen a few novices make this crucial mistake, and I can only imagine the intense emotional scarring they experienced as a result of the relentless judgmental stares from the more experienced members.
So, if you will not be looking like the sweatsuit-clad Sylvester Stallone as he ascends the stairs of the Philadelphia Museum of Art, how exactly will you look when you attend the gym?
When it comes to selecting appropriate clothes for the modern gym environment, I have devised two easy-to-remember phrases. As you shop, repeat these phrases over and over in your head to make sure you avoid any socially debilitating choices:
1. Less is More
2. The Tighter the Better.
In case these phrases are not clear enough, allow me to elaborate.
Gym Attire Rule #1: Less is More
In today’s gym, optimally, people would wear nothing. Unfortunately, because of a few annoying snags (the law, overactive sweat glands, the gag reflex, religion), gyms require that you wear some form of clothing. Upset that you won’t be able to fully show off your chiseled bod (lumpy figure)? Fear not – with a few creative clothing choices, you can still let everyone see all the hard work that you have put into your body (opening the fridge, lifting cheeseburgers into your mouth, etc.).
It is essential that you are properly dressed when visiting today’s gym environment. This concept is not a simple as it might initially seem, but adhere to the following procedure and you should be fine.
To begin, gather all of the comfortable, loose-fitting clothes that you own (sweat shirts, wind breakers, well-worn t-shirts you received in middle school and are inexplicably attached to, etc.). Next, take all of these clothes in your arms (being sure not to leave any behind) and place them into the nearest trash receptacle/burning fireplace/portal to another dimension (you know, that place where all your socks go). This procedure will ensure that you never make the error of wearing such horribly inappropriate clothing to the gym. I have seen a few novices make this crucial mistake, and I can only imagine the intense emotional scarring they experienced as a result of the relentless judgmental stares from the more experienced members.
So, if you will not be looking like the sweatsuit-clad Sylvester Stallone as he ascends the stairs of the Philadelphia Museum of Art, how exactly will you look when you attend the gym?
When it comes to selecting appropriate clothes for the modern gym environment, I have devised two easy-to-remember phrases. As you shop, repeat these phrases over and over in your head to make sure you avoid any socially debilitating choices:
1. Less is More
2. The Tighter the Better.
In case these phrases are not clear enough, allow me to elaborate.
Gym Attire Rule #1: Less is More
In today’s gym, optimally, people would wear nothing. Unfortunately, because of a few annoying snags (the law, overactive sweat glands, the gag reflex, religion), gyms require that you wear some form of clothing. Upset that you won’t be able to fully show off your chiseled bod (lumpy figure)? Fear not – with a few creative clothing choices, you can still let everyone see all the hard work that you have put into your body (opening the fridge, lifting cheeseburgers into your mouth, etc.).
Image: Doutzen Kroes, Victoria's Secret DSX
For Girls: Society has decided that females should cover up two parts of their body (I’ll spare you an explanation here), but it does not specifically specify how much of these regions should be covered. This is where you need to take advantage. Remember, less is more: why cover up your boobs entirely when you can legally show off a good portion? Why miss out on the opportunity to show off your thunder thighs when there is no rule preventing you from doing so?
Notice the female in the image on the left (it's hard not to). A savvy gym member, she is maximizing exposure while adhering to the rules.
Notice the female in the image on the left (it's hard not to). A savvy gym member, she is maximizing exposure while adhering to the rules.
Image: llcoolj, bossip.com
For Guys: Males, though not as anatomically complex, are still required to wear both a top and bottom. Unlike females, however, the top simply needs to exist – it doesn’t have to cover anything. Try wearing skimpy undershirts (nicknamed “wifebeaters” to make them seem more manly). You might also try ripping your tiny shirt to expose even more of your prime real estate.
Notice how L.L. Cool J. is technically wearing a top while still showing off a large portion of his upper body. (No, I don't know why his pants are wet - try to stay focused here).
Notice how L.L. Cool J. is technically wearing a top while still showing off a large portion of his upper body. (No, I don't know why his pants are wet - try to stay focused here).
Gym Attire Rule #2 The Tighter the Better
Minimal attire, however, is not entirely sufficient if you wish to be welcomed into the cutthroat gym community. It is also important that the clothing you do choose is snug. Bu just how tight is tight enough? Refer to the size-adjustment chart below for reference:
Minimal attire, however, is not entirely sufficient if you wish to be welcomed into the cutthroat gym community. It is also important that the clothing you do choose is snug. Bu just how tight is tight enough? Refer to the size-adjustment chart below for reference:
If you’re standing in the dressing room looking at your glorious figure from multiple awkward angles (including that weird one that makes your nose look like Pinocchio during a poker game) and are still unsure if the clothing you have chosen is tight enough, try asking the following questions:
- Is the material forcing uncovered fat and skin to bunch up (“muffin-topping”)?
- Are your extremities taking on a pale, bluish tint?
- If removed, is the clothing elastic enough to sling-shot a regulation-sized baseball into space (or at least into the stratosphere)?
- Does the clothing allow onlookers to count the exact number of hairs (three) growing out of the misshapen butt mole that you have been (up to this point) hiding from everyone including your lover?
If you answered yes to all of these questions, you’re ready for the cash register! Just be sure to change back into your “street clothes” – society isn’t as accepting of this attire outside the confines of the gym (yet).
Now, I know what some of you are thinking while reading this:
I appreciate your intelligent, well-thought-out advice, Ryan, but I find it hard to believe that people of all shapes and sizes actually dress like this at the gym.
In response to this thought, I have one question: Have you ever seen The Biggest Loser?
- Is the material forcing uncovered fat and skin to bunch up (“muffin-topping”)?
- Are your extremities taking on a pale, bluish tint?
- If removed, is the clothing elastic enough to sling-shot a regulation-sized baseball into space (or at least into the stratosphere)?
- Does the clothing allow onlookers to count the exact number of hairs (three) growing out of the misshapen butt mole that you have been (up to this point) hiding from everyone including your lover?
If you answered yes to all of these questions, you’re ready for the cash register! Just be sure to change back into your “street clothes” – society isn’t as accepting of this attire outside the confines of the gym (yet).
Now, I know what some of you are thinking while reading this:
I appreciate your intelligent, well-thought-out advice, Ryan, but I find it hard to believe that people of all shapes and sizes actually dress like this at the gym.
In response to this thought, I have one question: Have you ever seen The Biggest Loser?
If you’ve followed the procedure outlined above, you can now confidently walk into the gym without the fear of looking out of place. And always remember – no matter how strange you think you look, it can’t be worse than Dick Clark.
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